10 Steps To Confident Dating

Confidence is Figuring Out Who You Are, What you want And How to get it: 1-10 List

I just read an article that suggests dating communications strategies are inherently misogynistic, I was taken aback, I did not believe myself to be misogynistic

but as someone that seeks the truth, I had to entertain the possibility, after all I teach dating communications and am an expert on the subject.

My conclusion, dating communications (which is a legit academic subject) is as misogynistic as martial arts is misanthropic. Both can be used to hurt people, however both can be used to help people as well. It all comes down to the user.

Which is why it is so important to know who you are. 

Here is a list of 10 questions that will help you start to figure this out on a deeper level as applies to dating

  1. Do you have your physiological ands safety needs met? Or do you have health, wealth and relationships?

Do you have, food, water, shelter? Do you have a job? Do you have any disposable income? Are you healthy, physically, mentally, emotionally? Are your mind, body, career and hobbies on track to becoming who you want to be?

Now you can begin dating at any point, but not knowing the answers to these questions will hold you back. Because not only will whoever you try to date, ask these questions, more importantly, while you are trying to date, YOU will ask these questions of yourself.

Being able to answer these questions truthfully, regardless of what the answers are, even if all the answers are ’No’, will give you a realistic place to start to improve your life, they will in essence give you a ‘reality map’ of where you are, and this is the beginning of confidence, because confidence is knowing yourself. Put another way society can’t lecture you on who you are if you have already done so yourself.  

2. Do you have good, healthy, rewarding relationships outside of dating?

Some will say and I include myself “No, that’s why I’m learning how to date, duh!”  Romantic or unromantic dating or sexual relationships are important, in fact technically sex is classified as a human need according to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs.

However if all your relationships are solely based around dating and sex, the moment those relationships break down you will be alone, which is fine if you hold larger values, that give you esteem and confidence, however if your self-worth is tied to your ability to attract dating and sexual partners, those dating and sexual partners in essence control your self-worth.

This is too high a price to pay to be able to date.

Can it be effective? Absolutely, a lot of pick-up artists are amazing with women, essentially because they have to be, or they would not be able to function. However this has nothing to do with their feelings of fulfillment. People who derive their self-worth from others can be amazing with others but they also tend to develop a necessary resentment of them.

The same way addicts claim to love their drug but know deep down without their drug they will experience a pain, non-addicts do not have to go through.

You really are the sum of those, you spend your time with. A lot of people then are the sum of those they happen to be surrounded by. This is inefficient, akin to never reading a new book. Much better to control this process by seeking those that are more advanced than you, along the path you wish to take and forming relationships with them.

This may seem counterintuitive but dating relationships are a test of how you fare without dating relationships. Put another way if you ’Need to be in a relationship’ you will only attract others that also have that need, take advantage of that need or most likely both. A recipe for an unhealthy relationship.

3. Do you know what you want to do with your life?

Ask any woman what she wants from a man, and a big part of this will always be passion, fortunately or unfortunately, it does not much matter much what you are passionate about only that you are passionate, this is enough to attract women that care about the subject.

Conversely few things are as unattractive to women as having no goals you are passionate about. There are evolutionary and psychological reasons why but, it all boils down to passion is the fuel with which humans achieve.

You can attempt to date without knowing your passion, but you will be asked very early in the interaction, knowing the answer to this question gives and shows your confidence, conversely not knowing shows your lack of confidence.

4. Do you know how you are going to do what you want with your life?

Now this is not AS necessary for dating as, knowing what you want to do, but it is obviously pretty important, not just because of the obvious desire to achieve your goals, but rather because it is very, very often in the process of achieving your life goals that you meet the right people to form relationships with, not just in work and friendship but romantically as well.

This is why most people meet their romantic partners at or through work.

5. Do you know what kind of relationship you want?

This is the point where someone says sex, love and friendship, or sex and friendship, or sex and love or just sex. Understandable. Here are the different versions of a sexual relationship

  1. Casual sex

  2. F, buddy

  3. Girl-friend

  4. Wife

Note* There are romantic relationships that do not involve sex and there are a great many varieties of actual sex, BDSM relationships for example, this is a simplified list.

All of these are different, are achieved in different ways and are dynamic, in that they can change at anytime. All these types of relationships (except for the clearly abusive, dysfunctional and unhealthy ones) are great and valid and worth pursuing.

What is none of those things ( great, valid and worth pursuing) is not knowing what you want. Having an idea of what you want and changing your mind is completely valid, however, not knowing what kind of relationship you want is unattractive to all women on some level, because it betrays a lack of planning, which does not inspire confidence, because it does not show confidence.

Know what kind of relationship you want, it saves everyone a heap of time and trouble.

6. Do you know the kind of woman you want to date?

“Hot and has a high sex drive.” Not only is that super one dimensional, but will result in you spending your whole life dating, this is what I call confusing strategy and tactics, dating is designed with the end result of healthy, happy relationships. Dating for the sake of dating is an unending treadmill. And even for those that say it’s not about the destination, it’s about the journey” have to remember that part of the journey is the end. 

But more immediately if you don’t know what you want you can’t choose, and if you can’t choose, that betrays a lack of confidence. Better to choose now and change your choices as you gain knowledge and information about yourself, the relationship and your partner, than to go in with absolutely no plan, other than attractiveness and sex. Which almost every woman on earth has access to at some point in her adult life.

7. Do you know where to find the women you want?

What country? What city? What job she does? What hobbies and interests she has? Where she spends her time?

Yes, you can bump into her walking down the street, or run down the street to meet her, and there are good things to be said about that, provided you saw a woman you wanted in your life and knew that; because you know what you want.

However if you only meet the women you are attracted to randomly, this is inefficient and not planned out, which betrays a lack of confidence. Yes, it takes confidence to approach a woman you do not know, but doing so exclusively by chance, is not sustainable and brings down your likely hood of success, showing a lack of confidence. 

Confidence is controlling your own destiny.

8. Do you know how to start a romantic relationship?

In a utopia it would be as simple as saying to the woman, “I am attracted to you” and her replying “I am attracted to you as well” or “I am not attracted to you” or “I am attracted to you too but am not seeking a relationship at this time.”

However reality does not work that way. Conversely you could answer all the questions on this list in the affirmative, have your physiological needs met, have good relationships outside of dating, know what you want to do with your life, how to reach your life goals, the kind of relationship(s) you want, the kind of women you want to date and where to find them, however these are only a part of the equation, big parts, but not the whole thing.

Yes, answering these questions set you up for success, but if the woman or women you want in your life have a choice between a man that knows all these answers and how to date her, versus a man that has all these answers and does not know how to date her. All things being equal she will pick the man that does. The path of least resistance is human nature.

If you do know how to begin dating relationships with the women you want and know yourself you are an exceptional man and are well on your way to achieving your relationship goals.

9. How do you learn how to start romantic relationships?

  1. Trial and error. 

Some say experience is the best teacher, but I disagree, I believe the experience of others is the best teacher. making every mistake yourself is horribly inefficient.

2. Self-study

Here I don’t mean the study of self although, that is integral but rather teaching yourself. While this is a massive improvement over trial and error, this requires learning what works for others and eventually adapting that knowledge to yourself, this is less time intensive than trial and error but far from the most efficient way to learn.

3. Having a mentor, teacher or coach

This is far and away the most efficient and fastest way to learn and acquire knowledge. Would you rather have a surgeon that learned surgery at a public library from books or that attended and passed medical school?

10. How to find the right dating mentor, teacher or coach?

  1. Find a teacher that knows how to do, what you want to do and has achieved it in the past.

  2. Find a teacher that is good at teaching. : This might seem obvious but just because a person can do something does not mean they can teach it. View their track record.

  3. Find a teacher that shares commonalities with you.

  4. Find a teacher that you trust.