Letter To Every Angry Young Man Or Confident/Vulnerability Beats Narcissistic/Rage

Letter To Every Angry Young Man Or Confident/Vulnerability Beats Narcissistic/Rage

Picture a dating coach stepping into his prime, refined marketing and market placement? Check. Ability to teach, beyond reproach? Check. Impeccable reputation and word of mouth? Check.

Style? Check. Fitness? Check. Swagger like Whoa!? Check. Prices raised, relaunch in progress? Check, check and check- - - just quit drinking resulting in the yips or huge attack of approach anxiety? Check, wait what?!

Yea, I quit drinking for New Year’s and approach anxiety found me and sucker punched me in the face. Sure I called it shyness and pretended not to know where it came from, but it was/is just anger from fear masquerading as no big deal, after all I’m still me, I can still teach and I still have my skills, surely it was nothing, just a side effect from quitting the ‘sauce’ and becoming a better teacher, person —a better man.

So knowing there were booked clients to teach waiting to see me in action, and not just there for book learning and expert personal coaching, but to see me do it and do it well. I did what anyone would do, I went out and trained. It wasn’t pretty, I was getting it done but yeesh, it was ugly. You see I was going on swagger, on animal magnetism, on the knowledge and victories of the past, I was going on the very fact I AM the Mother Fucking Truth! I was going on narcissism and without the sauce to boost my delusions of grandeur (people drink because it works) I had all the technical know-how but no desire.

So with booked client boot camps coming up, I worked out more, studied harder, opened, taught, pulled. Hell I’m still the Truth and this is my calling, but it wasn’t as fun anymore.

Until last night, when I realized I had to take it back to the beginning. I was denying  my approach anxiety due to not drinking and it was affecting me, and as you know; you can’t solve a problem you refuse to acknowledge, and where another professional would mask this with “what works” i.e drinking, I’m not ‘that guy’. I’m Ghandi quitting sugar before he tells a kid to do it. I teach by example, I’m many things but hypocrite isn’t one of them, only I was and didn’t know it.

So last night I swallowed my pride, put away my swagger, got vulnerable and naked (figuratively) and opened without a net. No back up plan, no perfect opener or knowing smile, no ‘she-already-wants-me’ body-language pre-screening. I went in raw (AGAIN figuratively!)

I decided to open and live in my ‘shyness’ and a crazy thing happened every set opened happily! Not in spite of my shyness but because of it. The reason I realized was because of the definition of bravery: not a lack of fear, but acting in the face of it. I was clearly vulnerable, (as best  a guy of my stature can be) but I was clearly coming up to chat in spite of it. —Vulnerable/Confidence— Not the forgone conclusion of “I’m awesome” that narcissism inspires. 

Now sets opened and I didn’t get every girl, there wasn’t fire-works and apoplexies of ecstasy bursting through, but there was kindness, sweetness and a lowering of walls, there was a sense of ‘we are all in this together’ even as I was gently or not so gently brushed off. Not to say there were no successes, there were, but even the not successful sets had a better feeling.

Now this is where I admit to having anger issues, relax I’m a grown up and don’t act out, I’ve lived with my anger (read depression) for as long as I remember. Discipline from years of martial arts training, physical training and communication and psychological study have given me the tools I need to handle it and be high functioning. Hell I even started a job where I help others deal with it. ( Let’s call it dating communications and move on.)

But to my earlier point, when I approached with vulnerability and (inexplicably) also confidence, no matter the outcome I found my anger- - gone. I searched my body and mind for it- - it just wasn’t there. All I felt was flow, like I’d just meditated, or trained, or been acting or been writing or teaching.

Then I realized what all those activities had in common, they were all egoless. Turns out when you put 100% of yourself into something there just isn’t room for the “me, me, ME” bullshit. 

In conclusion that’s why Confident/Vulnerability beats Narcissistic/Rage.

This isn’t just training to get girls, it’s training to get a better life. 

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